I Am Violet<p><strong>Two years to freedom!</strong></p><p>Exactly two years ago, I was sitting at my desk at my old job, bored, reading <a href="https://stainedglasswoman.substack.com/p/part-one-a-webcomic" rel="nofollow noopener" target="_blank">a blog post</a> by a trans woman I had started following on Mastodon, when I saw this:</p><blockquote><p><em>If you’re under the assumption that you’re a cis guy but have always dreamed of being a girl, and the only reason you haven’t transitioned is because you’re afraid you’ll be an “ugly” girl: That’s dysphoria. You’re literally trans girl already, hon.</em></p></blockquote><p>I stopped reading. I stared at the webcomic with this accusation. My mind started spinning. I said to myself, “Oh. I think I should keep reading.”</p><p>I gave a detailed account of the following week in <a href="https://iamviolet.ca/2023/12/24/my-awakening/" rel="nofollow noopener" target="_blank">this blog post</a>. In brief, that week culminated in a moment of existential panic that resolved into knowing who I was for the first time in my life. By that time, I had adopted a new name. Two months later, I started hormone treatment. Six months after that, my new name was official. </p><p>A lot has happened in the last two years. I feel like I’ve lived more than in the previous twenty years. I learned to love unconditionally. I’ve changed careers. I’ve moved. I’ve got boobs! </p><p>But most significantly, I’ve come to know who I am on a profound level. I’m a chaotic genderfluid nonbinary transcendgender woman. “Chaotic genderfluid” because my energy shifts around the whole field of gender identities, and even I can’t predict when and how it will shift. I’ve accepted that, no matter how much I yearn for complete femininity, I have masculine aspects that are an integral part of who I am; I’m definitely nonbinary. </p><p>But I don’t consider myself partially male, partially female. I’ve learned a lot about gender in the last two years.1 Gender is not tied to physical, hormonal, or chromosomal sex. It’s something we’re indoctrinated into from the time we’re in our third trimester, something we learn in childhood until it becomes deeply ingrained in our teens. Binary gender is an ideology that is so rigidly enforced, we come to think of it as normal, and every other possibility as a deviation. </p><p>That’s where <em>transcendgender</em> comes from. I don’t consider myself pangender or agender—or even polygender. I identify more with the feminine than the masculine, but I transcend the need to identify with any specific gender. </p><p>It was a liberating realization. As I’ve said elsewhere, I’m the best of both worlds, but bound by neither. After five decades, I’m truly free.</p> <ol><li>See Sex/Gender: Biology in a Social World by Anne Fausto-Sterling ↩︎</li></ol><p><a rel="nofollow noopener" class="hashtag u-tag u-category" href="https://iamviolet.ca/tag/genderfluid/" target="_blank">#genderfluid</a> <a rel="nofollow noopener" class="hashtag u-tag u-category" href="https://iamviolet.ca/tag/identity/" target="_blank">#identity</a> <a rel="nofollow noopener" class="hashtag u-tag u-category" href="https://iamviolet.ca/tag/nonbinary/" target="_blank">#nonbinary</a> <a rel="nofollow noopener" class="hashtag u-tag u-category" href="https://iamviolet.ca/tag/personal-freedom/" target="_blank">#personalFreedom</a> <a rel="nofollow noopener" class="hashtag u-tag u-category" href="https://iamviolet.ca/tag/trans/" target="_blank">#trans</a> <a rel="nofollow noopener" class="hashtag u-tag u-category" href="https://iamviolet.ca/tag/transjoy/" target="_blank">#TransJoy</a></p>