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#theonion

70 posts27 participants3 posts today
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The Onion

Mom Would Rather Kids Host Freak-Off In Own Basement Instead Of Some Rapper’s House

CLEVELAND—Insisting she preferred the peace of mind that came from knowing who her children were spending time with, local mom Sandra Peck told reporters Tuesday she would rather her kids host a freak-off in their own basement instead of at some rapper’s house. “Of course, I’d rather they not freak…
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theonion.com/mom-would-rather-

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The Onion

Mike Lee Stresses He Would Have Posted Same Thing If Own Family Savagely Murdered

WASHINGTON—After being confronted about social media posts that blamed the shootings of two Minnesota lawmakers on the far left, Sen. Mike Lee (R-UT) stressed Tuesday that he would have said the same thing if his own family had been savagely murdered. “Democrats can say what they want about me, but I …
#theonion
theonion.com/mike-lee-stresses

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The Onion

Gunman Takes Huge Swing   Ordering Hostages Buffalo Chicken Pizza

CHATTANOOGA, TN—In the midst of an armed bank robbery that authorities said is still ongoing, an unidentified gunman allegedly took a huge swing during a tense standoff Monday when he ordered his hostages Buffalo chicken pizza. Law enforcement officials confirmed the First National Bank downtown had been surrounded by SWAT teams for o…
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theonion.com/gunman-takes-huge

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The Onion

You Sure You’re In The Mood For Another Wes Anderson Film With Everything That’s Going On?

Hey, guys. It’s me, acclaimed filmmaker Wes Anderson. I just finished my latest movie, The Phoenician Scheme, and it’s going to be great. It’s got everything—an ensemble cast of A-listers, set designs to die for, and a mid-century setting in exotic locales. But real quick, before I go a…
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theonion.com/you-sure-youre-in

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The Onion

Woman Giving Birth Assured Everything Looks Gross Down There

BURLINGTON, VT—Receiving encouragement from her ob-gyn as she struggled amid the throes of childbirth, area woman Jill Henderson was assured while giving birth Tuesday that everything was looking gross down there. “You’re doing great, and your cervix is every bit as revolting as it should be at this stage of labor,” said Dr. Thomas Carver, wh…
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theonion.com/woman-giving-birt

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The Onion

GOP Lawmakers Clarify Their Hate-Filled Rhetoric Only Meant To Stoke Fundraising

WASHINGTON—Following the Minnesota attacks in which one Democratic state legislator was killed and another was shot nine times, Republican members of Congress issued a statement Monday clarifying that their hate-filled rhetoric was only meant to stoke fundraising. “While some argue that our inflammatory…
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theonion.com/gop-lawmakers-cla

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The Onion

Trump Calls Shooting Victims To Rant About Tim Walz

WASHINGTON—Reaching out to the surviving victims of Saturday’s shootings as they recovered from their numerous gunshot wounds, President Donald Trump reportedly called Minnesota state Sen. John Hoffman and his wife Yvette Hoffman on Monday to rant about Gov. Tim Walz. “Your governor was very unfair to me in the 2024 election—a real nasty piece of […]
The post …
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theonion.com/trump-calls-shoot

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The Onion

Sabrina Carpenter Assures Fans That Daddy Will Punish Her For Album Cover

LOS ANGELES—Faced with criticism after posting the suggestive cover of her forthcoming album Man’s Best Friend, pop star Sabrina Carpenter released a statement Monday assuring her fans that Daddy will punish her over it. “To any of my fans who were offended by the provocative album artwork, please know that I will be…
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theonion.com/sabrina-carpenter

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The Onion

What To Know About The Diddy Trial

Music mogul Sean “Diddy” Combs is currently facing charges of racketeering, kidnapping, and coercing women into sexual activities in federal court. Here is everything you need to know about the trial. Q: Who is Diddy? A: Okay, we get it, you were born in 2002. Q: Is the trial televised? A: No, you’ll have to […]
The post What To Know About The Diddy Trial appeared first on The Onion.
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theonion.com/what-to-know-abou

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The Onion

Teacher Required To Provide Own Salary

BALTIMORE—As public schools across the country increasingly face budget shortfalls, educators like Patricia Harper, a fifth-grade teacher in Baltimore, have reportedly found it more necessary than ever to provide their own salaries. “I’m committed to coming into this classroom every day and helping my students learn, but in order to do this, I’m now required […]
The post Teacher Requir…
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theonion.com/teacher-required-

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